Journal Update: Recording

Sorry for the lack of updates. I've had work to do while I've had work to do, so that's made me too busy to sit around and be all reflective and type things. It's odd how your perspective of time changes as you get older. I can blink now and a month is gone.


I'm editing vocals. My vocals. It's tedious to say the least, because there is no greater critic of my voice than me. This will be the sixth record I've produced, not counting those garbage Orizon demos from 2003, but it will also be the biggest record I've produced. TCC has an incredible production standard to live up to, and I'm doing my level best to meet it. We started recording this record in January, and it is now April... this is the longest I've ever had to sit on a collection of songs in the recording process. I like this part of it. I have time to dream about what the songs are missing and to try to make them whole.


I'm heading off to Orlando this Saturday to mix the record with an old friend (producer of Albatross, The Silver Cord, and Vagabonds). With the success of our Kickstarter campaign there is even more pressure to make this album good. Having Elvis involved in the project takes a huge weight of my shoulders, as I trust him to always sort out my madness in the most insightful and inspiring ways. 


If you've supported our Kickstarter, you're part of the reason why we can afford a great person like Elvis to mix it. Your dollars are actually going to make our record sound better... it's sort of poetic, and it feels only right. The quality of our art is tied to the quality of our supporters, who happen to be the best quality supporters in the world. So, for the opportunity to make our songs better, I'd like to say THANK YOU.


Can't wait to finish and release these songs!


With love and gratitude,


Matt

Enough

Not enough people tell me my music is good.

Oh, plenty of people say my music means the world to them, but it's never enough. When it's MY music, MY art, MY ego, MY insecurities, MY thirst for peer recognition, respect, and honor, I am never fulfilled and it is never enough.

I was in Minneapolis on the 2007 Tooth and Nail Tour. After the show I went to the merch booth to meet people. I was stopped by one of those really charismatic, on-fire Christians who always seem to be getting "words" for people. Just my luck, he had a word for me, and although I'm naturally a skeptic I agreed to let him pray for me. Couldn't hurt right? He put his big hands around my head like he was about to head-butt me and started praying in tongues (which always creeps me out), while onlookers waited patiently with their unsigned TCC posters in hand. Then he started praying in English, which made me feel a little better about the situation. Turns out he was saying some pretty good stuff.

Afterwords, he looked me straight in the eyes, my head still in his hands, and said, "You are enough because He is enough." I nodded nervously and he said it again, staring more intently, "You are enough because He is enough." 

That echoed in my mind for a long time. Five years later, the "word" he had for me still hits me out of nowhere... I am enough because He is enough.

It's not about me, and when I occasionally remember that I suddenly lose interest in people telling me I'm good. 

I understand that the art I make isn't from me, it flows through me, from somewhere else to somewhere else. I sit down to do the work, but I barely understand how inspiration works let alone the true meaning and influence of any song I've written. I am blessed to enjoy it, and that is enough for me.

It's like having a baby. Sure, it grew in you and then came out of you, but you didn't consciously make it. The child is unique and the miracle of human life is... a miracle. All you did was have sex. All you did was experience a few minutes of pleasure and a miracle happened. Every parent knows they can't take credit for the miracle that is their child.

That's how I feel about songs, especially the ones that end up meaning something to a lot of people. They feel good to write, and the lyrics and concept usually materialize in ten minutes or less. They are things that occur to me, not things I manufacture. I don't write them, they write me. 

If you love my songs and think I'm wise because I write them, then getting to know me in real life would probably disappoint you. I'm messy and inconsistent and foolish and sarcastic and immature. I would encourage you to not seek fulfillment in people, because people will always disappoint you.

For a few minutes a year I am honored with the burden of being a broken tool in the hand of a perfect God whose apparent goal it is to bring some tiny portion of goodness into the world. I couldn't tell you why, and it could all stop tomorrow, but I can tell you that I didn't do anything to deserve it.

It does me no good to seek out credit. Because it isn't rightfully mine, no amount of credit will fulfill me. I am enough because He is enough. I have enough because He gives me enough. I am good because He is good, and I am useless when He doesn't show up.

Nothing this world can offer me will ever be enough.

I am enough because He is enough.

Pride, Fame and Fakers

Fame is a drug.


When my band was signed to Tooth and Nail Records back in 2005, a lot of people were 'blowing smoke,' as they say. Out of the blue a lot of people started saying we were good and we should expect a certain type of treatment. We had been strictly DIY up until that point, struggling for every pinch of recognition we could find, so it felt good to finally hear people saying things like, "You shouldn't have to worry about that, let me handle it for you." We were spoiled with great tours and interest and the ever fleeting buzz of youthful hope.


Let me preface this by saying that what TCC experienced was very much a fraction of what many other people have experienced. We never blew up, we never got rich, we don't own homes, those dreams didn't happen. I'm just writing to share about what even a small dose of fame can do to you. I have gained some new perspective being a few years removed from things like... well, Warped Tour. Fame is a helluva drug, all you need is a taste and you can start acting like a total jerk.


I rarely admit this, but it kind of went to my head. It kind of ruined me for a season. When a lot of people tell you you're great and talented and the offers are flying in and the kids are really excited that you just walked by, you start to think that you're pretty special. Suddenly smaller bands want to be your friend, old friends you used to know start calling you up to "see how you're doing." People want a piece of it. They either want you to help them or they want to be able to tell people they know you. Knowing you has become a bit of a status symbol, and that type of flattery is like cancer to the soul.


The ironic thing about all of this is that almost nobody is born famous. Most people spend years on the other side of the fence, looking longingly past the photographers at those who we assume are happy and somehow more special than the rest of us. It's so weird that you can be normal and nice in one moment, and in the next become immovably selfish, but that's what pride and flattery will do to the best of them. When you take a step back, celebrity is really a stupid thing. You can be famous for anything these days, it really doesn't take much more than a willingness to embarrass yourself on camera. Celebrity is a freak show.


But back to my point, we all start out wishing we were a Somebody, all the while the people who are Somebody's are oblivious to us, perhaps even sometimes blatantly ignoring us. Then suddenly, a group of people turn around and look at you and say, "You're a Somebody!" And they toss you over the fence. Now you're on this red carpet but you don't really fit in on either side of the fence. You look around and there are people more famous than you, but to most spectators there isn't much delineation between the Somebody's, you're one of them. You know you don't really belong, but you've had your taste and you're hooked so you fake it. Your old nature of envying the Somebody's has been magnified, so you naturally start looking around to break the inner circles of the people more successful than you. You isolate from those who can't help you and attempt to infiltrate the lives of those who can. This is the bad part of human nature.


It gets manifested in the little things. There is no instant reward for someone with any fame to respond to someone of lesser fame (I've never met a Somebody who could delay gratification). This results in a disconnect. Text messages, emails, phone calls, etc, get ignored. You naturally isolate from the nobody's in order to integrate more with the Somebody's.


For awhile there I acted like I didn't have time for people. Part of the reason was we were touring a lot, and anyone not in front of me seemed like a distraction. Much of who I am can be summed up by the phrase "Out of sight, out of mind." If I can't sense you I have a hard time recognizing your existence. It's a blessing and a curse.


The other excuse is probably more selfish. You see, people used to ignore me. People who were Somebody's when I was a nobody, they would never get back to me, probably banking on the made up justification that the "Somebody Lifestyle" had kept them busy and the message had been lost in the madness.That whole justification is such a lie. Somebody's are glued to their phones all day long. They read every message. They're all painfully insecure so they have to. They ignore the ones that don't help them and respond to the ones that do. 


That's the fame drug. You get a little taste and then you want more. But to what end? You can never get enough of it. Even at the top you never feel like you're at the top. I'll bet Bono probably wants to be closer friends with Mick Jagger or Bill Gates, and he probably gets all defensive when they don't return his calls.


My point is, I passed on that same initiation. It's like those stories of pep band hazing that gets out of hand. Upper-class-men do some terrible things to freshmen, because those same terrible things were done to them. It's the whole "Hurt people hurt people" thing. I had no problem neglecting anybody that couldn't help me because the same had been done to me and it seemed like a rite of passage. I was faking like I was more important/busy than I was.


It all boils down to pride, fame, and faking it. We're all susceptible to be addicted to fame because of our own selfish pride, so we can tend to fake like we're more important than we are. Here's the truth: I'm no more important than you. We are of equal value. I am just as special as you are. Believe it.


I've come full circle on this fame thing. I no longer envy the Somebody's. They can have their popularity contest without me. I've climbed back over the fence and I'm walking the opposite direction, and maybe I'll start an egalitarian hippy colony on the outskirts of town. Wanna join?

God and Laws

I hate American politics, but I think about them a lot. I just noticed that I have two blog posts related to politics that are unpublished. I think this is because politics are so petty and polarizing and do little to stimulate the type of thought and discussion that bares good fruit, so I'll write something I might feel is important, read it, realize it will only breed friction, and then file it away. 

However, this topic really intrigues me, and since it's more of a spiritual approach I'm hoping when I finish I'll have the inclination to hit "Publish Post."

Where is God in politics? How do you reconcile what you believe with any form of political activism? What would Jesus do?

I was sitting around with a group of friends last week and we asked ourselves these questions. 

One of my friends was hurt by how people have used politics to take Christian prayer out of schools, and also lobbied to ban the Ten Commandments from display on public property. She was sad that teachers could no longer teach Christian history, and she wondered what would come of all this. She was sincere. She only wished that kids would have the opportunity to learn about the love of Jesus. 

Some of my other friends spoke up about how Christianity is portrayed in politics. They didn't like the right-wing pundits who claimed Christianity. They seemed fake. We all agreed that we didn't like Christians being defined by being anti-gay and anti-abortion or pro-war. We agreed that Christians should stand for justice and peace, not persecution of any group, that we should never challenge or demean our enemies, we should love them. (Matthew 5:9, Psalm 82:3, Matthew 5:44, Luke 10:25-37).

So how do we do all that? How do we cultivate those ideals within our current political system, and in the face of such polarization?

This was a tough question. I think our natural reaction is to fight laws that seem to us as "Anti-Christian." We tend to (out of sincere concern) gravitate towards the idea that America will be damned if there isn't Bible reading in schools, prayer in Congress, and God in the Pledge of Allegiance. We're taught that our country is drifting farther and farther from the beliefs on which is was founded. The idea has been propagated that we used to be a Christian nation, but now we're drifting from the good graces of God. We're told by some that we're heading down the wrong path to destruction, and we must get politically active in order to turn our course back to God.

I have to tell you, I don't believe any of this. When was America a Christ-like nation? When we stole land from the Natives? Slaughtered men, women and children in cold blood? Used slavery and persecution to build our country? How about as early as the 1960's when racism was political POLICY (For more on this, read THIS book). Sure, our forefathers wrote God on things, but did that automatically make them Godly? And furthermore, does it even matter outside of perpetuating a political agenda that's impetus is millions in donations?

Let's go back to what started this whole America thing.

 

To sum it up, Puritans were facing persecution from the Catholic majority. Terrible things were happening. So they left to take religious refuge in the New World. To read more on Religious persecution that helped found America go here. 

When we read history, time and time again we learn this simple equation: Religion + Power = Persecution. Our forefathers knew this, that is why they believed very strongly in the separation of Church and State. You don't have to be persecuted to know this, you can just read about crusaders slaughtering "heathens" or conquistadors "converting" savages at sword-point. Power corrupts, it wants to control. Power wants to be God and to judge what is good and what isn't (Luke 6:37, Matthew 7:1-5).

There are people in this country who, in the face of such obvious truth to the contrary, would want history to repeat itself. Some people actually want a Christian majority so that they can legally ban homosexuality or whatever is maddening them this week. They literally want power in order to persecute people. That is scary. It's also anti-Jesus, which is even more scary considering the implications of who else might be behind this movement.

As far as Christians being more and more of a political minority, I'm in favor of it. True Christianity flourishes through extreme persecution.

Why are we so afraid of persecution? Do Christians forget how this whole thing started? After Jesus left Christians were being hunted from house to house, thrown in prison, beaten and stoned to death, hung, filleted alive by knives, burned to the stake, crucified, and their numbers dramatically INCREASED! You see the same thing happening in China over the last fifty years. If you ask me, I say go ahead and ban Christianity. At least then we'll know who the real ones are. I am not afraid of persecution, I welcome it. It'll separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak. This whole thing about fighting for a "Christian Political Majority" flies totally in the face of what Jesus established with the early church.

Think about it. Jesus said He came as a "humble servant," to "Seek and to save that which was lost." He said things like "the last shall be first" and "blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth." How can you reconcile these words of Jesus with grasping for political power?: 

Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all." - Mark 9:35

The truth is, you can't.

Changing laws to coincide with morals doesn't change hearts, it only allows for persecution, violence, and hate. Unless of course they're changed for freedom or justice.

I think the place for Christianity in politics is not on the "moral-crusading" end, but on the justice end. Christian organizations like the International Justice Mission use global laws to free the persecuted and seek punishment for their captors. It's amazing the good that can come from people who take this verse literally:

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. - James 1:27

How can anyone fight that?

Instead of Christianity being defined by the right-wing, anti-whatever vitriol, it'd be nice to have it be defined as loving, justice-seeking, poor-serving, and actually Jesus-following.

Those are just my thoughts on the matter.

For more on what Jesus thought about the Religious Political Majority in His day, read Matthew 23.

Parents Keep Each Other Sane

This is an iPhone note from 42 days ago. I was laying in bed, and I recorded this conversation with my other wife, Sleep Kristie:

She chuckles, mouth and eyes closed, lips smiling.

"What's so funny?" I ask, grinning as I roll over to look at her, suddenly excited at the opportunity to hear from Sleep Kristie.

"I remember..." She squints her eyes and rolls onto her back, putting her finger in the air. I can tell she's trying to remember her dream, which she usually has trouble with at this point...

"Remember what?"

"'Cause parents..." She pauses, finger still pointed at the ceiling, eyes still closed, concentrating... 

"...Keep each other sane..."

She seems satisfied with that, so she rolls into me with eyes still closed and nestles into the blankets.

"Parents keep each other sane," She mutters, "Then the baby. The baby second."

I'm laughing at this point, but trying not to make noise as I grab my phone and write all this down. 

Five minutes pass. She chuckles again.

"What's so funny now?" I can't believe I'm getting all this good material in one night.

"I guess so. Hm Hm Hmm Hmm Hmmm Hmmm." She's smiling and chuckling again.

"You guess what? What's funny?"

She sniffs.

"Being a parent."

Does Virginity Work?

I just read an article by Mark Driscoll on Dating, Relating, and Fornicating. Because I don't always agree with his word choices and in my opinion, mishandling of some "hot button" issues, I was surprised to find some interesting study results within his post that, at least scientifically, solidified my opinions on dating and marriage (For said opinions, see posts "How To Land a Wife," "Head vs. Heart - Marriage and Cynicism," and maybe "Surprised by Love" for some background).


Mr. Driscoll can be blunt and offensive, sometimes lacking the grace required to deliver the type of loving correction that people are naturally more receptive to. I don't want to get into a debate about who's team I'm on, or whether I'm a Neo-Calvinist or a Neo-Puritan, because I think we're all on the same team. Mark means well and I have grace for him, because I too have the propensity to pop off at the mouth when I think I'm right. I just wanted to share some statistics from his post that may or may not guide your actions and better your life. Here is the excerpt I'm talking about:

Culture and Dating

Sex outside of marriage is now the norm, a huge change from just a century ago. Today, over 5 million couples cohabitate. This is up from 1 million in 1978. And this number doesn’t take into account the number of couples who don’t live together but who still stay over at each other’s places enough to be classified as cohabitators.

Here are some shocking statistics taken from my book, Religion Saves:

• An estimated quarter of unmarried women between the ages of 25 and 39 currently live with a partner.
• Half of unmarried women in the same age group have lived with a partner at some time.
• Over half of all first marriages are now preceded by cohabitation.
• The most likely people to cohabit are those aged 20 to 24.

This is problematic first because it is sin and against God’s design for sex, which is to be enjoyed in the context of marriage, but also for a number of practical reasons.

• Studies almost always find that cohabitation is associated with a higher divorce risk, with estimates ranging from 33 percent to 151 percent increased risk of divorce.
• Annual rates of depression among cohabitators are more than three times higher than married couples,
• Women in cohabitating relationships are twice as likely as married women to suffer physical abuse.
• Two studies found that women in cohabitating relationships are about nine times more likely to be killed by their partner than married women.
• Couples who cohabitate before marriage report less marital happiness and more conflict when married.

This is in contrast to couples who marry as virgins:

• Men who marry as virgins are 37 percent less likely to divorce.
• Women who marry as virgins are 24 percent less likely to divorce,
• Those who wait to have sex until marriage and remain faithful in marriage report higher levels of life satisfaction compared to adults who engage in premarital or adulterous sex.
• Those who wait to have sex and are faithful to their spouse also report notably higher happiness scores.

What do you think of these statistics?

Why We Need Jealousy

I'm in my car yesterday and there's this doctor on the radio talking about a series of research studies he did on relationships. The host asks him about studies on open-relationships of straight people (for those of you who don't know, an open-relationship is one where you get to sow your seed all over town as long as you come home to your main-squeeze), and the doc replies, 


"Well, we actually haven't been able to do any studies on them. When we made appointments with open couples it was often the case that they had broken up by the time they were scheduled to come in. So I assume, from that data, that these types of relationships lack stability."


Of course, this is no surprise to us. Anyone who has listened to good 'ol Dr. Drew Lapinsky knows that the best way to get divorced/break-up is to 'de-exclusify' your sex life. That's not morals or religious doctrine talking, that's scientific fact. When people do this, trust is replaced with it's antithesis; jealousy, and jealousy quickly corrodes any healthy relationship.


When the doctor on this program was asked what it would take to have successful, long term open-relationships between a man and a woman he said, 


"It would take two very amazing people. It is an amazing person who can resist jealousy for a long period of time."


He went on to say that 100% of gay couples that last 35+ years are open, because they get less jealous and are more honest with each other, and straight couples have a lot to learn from gay couples.


At this point I choked on my Diet Coke.


I'm a pretty liberal guy, and I have close friends who are gay and I love them and they know it. So let me preface this by saying I have no qualms with the stats the good doctor quoted, I'm assuming they're quite true. But I have something to learn from people who don't feel jealousy? Really?


What I have a problem with is the crackpot idea that an exclusive relationship is an antiquated institution, and that in order to be truly enlightened we should be able to do whatever we want and not have jealousy enter into the picture. 


Is it really AMAZING when someone's spouse messes around on them and they don't feel jealous? Or is it inhuman?... In my opinion if your spouse is a philanderer and you're not jealous, you need some serious counseling and perhaps a professional to test you for a heartbeat and a spine.


The problem with this post-modern thinking is that the purveyors of it believe they are taking on traditional social structures that are out-dated, like we all should take cues from folks who feel nothing in order to have their cake and eat it too. What people like this doctor are implying is that these folks get to follow every sexual impulse, and thats a good thing because those are natural, where as feeling jealousy is bad because jealousy is primitive. They think they're progressing out of mindless tradition, but I believe they're actually messing with nature. 


And when you mess with nature it always ends badly.


The reason we feel jealousy is because it fills the void that trust leaves. Without trust, jealousy enters. We need trust because trust breeds intimacy, and we all long to be intimate, to have our true selves known completely and loved anyways. 


We all want to be known and loved despite our faults. This is a primary need for a human to survive, it's the heart of community. This is completely natural and has been for thousands of years. Without jealousy there is no true intimacy because there is no true trust. So why do some think in our modern age that we can rise above it? And more importantly, what are our motives for "rising above" jealousy? I'd argue that they are purely selfish and immoral and damaging to all things pure and good, but that's just me.


Jealousy is natural. You can't breed or train or counsel this out of the human psyche. So contrary to what the doctor said I don't believe I have anything to learn in the way of jealousy, other than perhaps what not to do. It doesn't matter to me that 100% of gay relationships that are 35 years and counting are open. 


All that tells me is that they've sacrificed the potential of true intimacy with one person to have plastic intimacy with dozens. 


That lack of jealousy comes at too high of a cost. The motives behind such thinking are selfish, and selfishness will quickly make shallow the depth in any relationship. I pity these folks (straight or gay), because they've traded the kind of beauty and depth of true intimacy (that I've personally experienced) for something fast and cheap. 


Without jealousy there is no trust, and without trust there is no intimacy, and without intimacy you're just rubbing skin together.


That doesn't seem enlightened to me, it seems entitled. Progressing doesn't happen when you invest in the temporary gratification of impulse. Any Grandpa still married to Grandma with loving kids and grandkids will tell you that progress is the lasting, unspeakable peace that comes from fortitude and integrity. 


There is nothing richer. /Rant