Instead, this blog will be a tutorial on how to land yourself a wife.
Relationships between human beings fascinate me. I spend a lot of time listening to peoples relationship woe's, looking for cues, red flags, and reading their specific dynamics. I've seen people fail time and again, exasperated, wondering what they've done wrong. I've also seen and studied the characteristics of successful relationships, deciphering what they've done right. I've been lucky enough be in a serious and loving relationship for ten years. Our relationship isn't perfect, but its one thats extremely rewarding. We've been through very difficult things together and come out stronger on the other side. People always ask us how we met, how we fell in love and what it took to go the distance. I've put some thought into this, and I've simplified it down into these three major guidelines:
Rule #1: Honesty
It doesn't matter how ugly the truth is, if it comes out sooner rather than later, it always hurts less. Everyone screws up, big or small, and even the small stuff is important because it could become something big if you make a habit of lying about it. Always have full disclosure with your partner, even if its uncomfortable in the short run, because she will respect you more in the long run. The adverse is true as well, if you lie or hide things in the short run, your relationship will suffer in the long run. Honesty builds trust, and trust is the key to any successful relationship. You won't get very far without it.
Rule #2: Keep Sex Expensive
In our culture you are encouraged to have sex with someone to see if you are "compatible." Sex is not a tandem sport, and you are not puzzle pieces trying to "fit." Sex is the most intimate thing one person can do with another person. If you have sex too soon, you not only can cheapen it (because it didn't require much work to get it) but you can cheapen the entire relationship. Sex should be reserved for people who have committed their lives to each other. It should be the expensive reward of a committed relationship, and the more you have it without commitment, the cheaper it gets. I believe that our diligence in this area is one of the major reasons why Kristie and I are happily married today. We were friends for years, slowly nurturing our trust and love for each other, and in the end our abstinence paid off. I've seen relationship after relationship fail this way. People go out drinking, come home with a girl, they have sex, then wake up and grab coffee and start dating. This is backwards as hell, and it will almost never work. Your whole relationship is founded on drinking and promiscuous sex, so you can throw trust out the window immediately. If you like a girl, do not have sex with her. Keep sex expensive between you, and you just might find true love. Otherwise, you cheapen yourself, your relationship, and the intimacy of sex. Ultimately, you're just setting yourself up for disaster.
Rule #3: Balance and Compromise
Growing up I learned little about humility. There were no "I love you's" or "I was wrong's" in my family. It was rare to see someone bow out of a fight. Humility was seen as a weakness that the competition could exploit. So you can imagine that when Kristie and I started dating I wasn't exactly the complete package. I had some holes that needed filling in. I had to learn the act of love, and it didn't come easy. It meant serving my girlfriend, even when I didn't want to. I had to quickly learn the art of apology, especially with her, because she didn't let things slide like my family did. I had to compromise, I was challenged to grow as a person, and over the years I've met that challenge. Because of her, I'm a completely different and better person than I was back then. I'm sure if you asked her she'd say the same, that I have challenged her in ways beyond what was natural to her. In that way, we've helped fill in each other's holes, and our personalities balance each other out... not just naturally, but because we are willing to compromise with each other. Admitting wrong doing and acting to make it right is one of the most important things you can do in a relationship. Compromise is key to any successful relationship, and its a two way street. Both have to be willing to submit to the other. The metaphor I use is what I call "The Tepee Metaphor". A tepee wont stand up if one side is leaning too hard on the other side. Both sides have to lean on each other an equal amount to produce something sturdy that you can live in. When one person is compromising more than the other for too long, the tepee will fall over, and the relationship will be in crisis.
People in our culture in general can be selfish. They look at marriage to see what they can get out of it. They see security and support, love and attention, children, financial gains or their dreams coming true. If you enter into a relationship with the intention of receiving something out of it, you will fail. The only way to a successful relationship is to enter in with the intention of serving the other person. Only when two people join lives with the intention of loving and serving the other that the needs of both are met fully. You can not take and give at the same time, you can only give, and in your mutual giving, you will receive the desires of your heart.