My Word Is My Bondage

I have trouble making commitments. Not because I don't follow through, but because I do. Integrity is important to me, maybe the most important characteristic I look for, so I stake much of my self-worth on my ability to keep my word. When I'm going to do something I generally do it, and my friends never question whether or not it will get done. I'm obviously human, and I've obviously failed, but for the most part the commitments I accept and declare are the ones I follow through on (I "lead with the tongue" a lot). 


Being true to my word has also taught me to say "No" quite frequently and with ease. I get asked to do a lot of things and make a lot of commitments, and instead of ignoring every inquiry I'll usually politely decline. Sometimes it's hard to say "No," because the persons motives are pure and they're just following their own convictions to request something from you, but the more I say it the easier it is. The point is I have to say "No" otherwise I'd drive myself crazy keeping hundreds of commitments. For some people, telling someone "No" is like slapping them in the face so they avoid ever having to do so. Instead they'll tell them "Yes" or "Maybe" and then let the outcome of their actions say "No." I don't maintain friendships with these types of people. Not because I have any spite for them personally, it's just that I can't trust them as friends... and trust is key in any relationship.


Sometimes I'll get on a roll. I'll decline every incoming commitment before I can even process it because I have this fear of being enslaved. I want to be free, even it's to do nothing. It's daunting to have to do something you don't want to do just because you said you would. I run from commitment. I've been stretched too thin before and I don't like the feeling, so I constantly avoid signing up for anything extra.


For whatever reason though, anytime I fulfill a commitment to someone else it feels like it was all worthwhile. When I keep my word it feels good, regardless of how boring, difficult or annoying it was, but even still I have trouble committing. I'll often say I'm busy when I'm not, and my excuse is that "If I'm out doing things I won't be home when inspiration strikes." I sit around waiting for songs to come, and that's what I call "busy." I know, typical musician right? "Busy" is tinkering on the guitar during T.V. commercials (You'd be surprised at how many songs came about that way.) 


In recent years I've found that my "fear of slavery" is waning. I think when I was younger I longed for the freedom of my teens and early twenties. We had no pressing obligations back then and we were free to just hang out, planning only leisurely activities and semi-committing to them. We were free to be impulsive, to just pick up and leave for a weekend if we wanted to. I think for a good while there I wanted that again. When we were first married Kristie would schedule commitments months in advance, things we were obligated to do, and I would have waves of anxiety about my life being planned for me... like my freedoms were being infringed upon. I longed for the freedom to simply do nothing again. Now I see it as immaturity, but back then it was a real fear of mine. What if I want to do something else last minute? What if I don't want to go? Nobody asked me! These are typical issues that newlywed men learn to overcome. Nowadays I don't feel like any commitment I fulfill with my wife is a tedious one, and it's usually a lot of fun. Better than the weekend on the couch I had planned for myself anyways. I had to learn that one the stubborn, lonely way. The truth is she's made me more of a planner, and I've made her much more impulsive than she used to be. We've rubbed off on each other in a positive way, so neither of us are as extreme as we once were.


I didn't always keep my word. I used to lie a lot because I could get away with it most of the time. I remember when the switch clicked on for me. In my teens I could talk my way out of anything, or so I thought, but Kristie would always know I was lying. I would do the wrong thing and ignorantly think that she wouldn't find out, and that I was a good enough talker to weasel my way out of trouble. I was wrong (See blog post "Honesty Breeds Integrity" for the whole story). I realized that my lack of integrity and my dishonesty was hurting my relationship with her, so I just decided to be honest with everything and to keep my promises to her. Also around this time, my buddy Big Dan and I would have contests to decide who was more stubborn by seeing who could keep their word longer (His heritage was Irish and mine was Scottish, so we felt like we had to prove which was better). We would make commitments together and see who went the longest with or without certain things. I think because of that competitive word-keeping we respected each other more than some of our other friends. 


I started to realize then that the level of integrity you maintain for yourself is directly proportionate to the level of respect people have for you. It's not just what you portray to people either, because they'll know if you're a phony, it's about keeping your word to yourself even when people aren't around. It grows a sense of confidence and healthy respect for yourself when you do this, and I think people can tell when someone is a liar or not. Maybe not right away, but it comes out eventually. 


In Matthew 5:37 Jesus talks about swearing oaths and says "Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’..." He's right, it's just more simple when people do what they say. Forget promises and oaths, just let your word be your bond. But don't be in bondage because you can't say "no," and don't lie by saying "yes," say them both and mean them both. It's a simple philosophy that makes life more rewarding.

Profanity vs. Slang

I grew up in a family of ten, so punishment had to come swift for dissenters like myself. The nature of most large families is this: the younger the children the stricter the rules. In my conservative Christian family the rules were especially strict, and when I was young I would get a spanking for even minor offenses like saying the words "shut-up" to my siblings. "Shut-up"(basically slang for "be quiet") was seen as harsh, profane and unruly, and was usually shouted out of desperation in situations where "be quiet" fell on deaf ears. Nevertheless, we were usually spanked if not sent to our rooms for such outbursts of emotional discontent. To my parents credit we were also spanked for saying things like "damn you," which I would usually scream at my older brother after a few hours of torture, at which point he would gleefully tattle-tale, laughing as my punishment ensued. He was a bit of a sadist. The phrase "damn you" is not only a curse word, it's actually a curse. The curser is in a sense condemning the cursed to hell. My six year old mind had no idea of the blasphemy I was speaking, but I knew it sounded bad and it seemed to express the fullness of my rage. When our family got older, "shut-up" became a widely used, legitimate reaction towards someone who was purposely being loud or abrasive with the intent of victimizing those in ear-shot. "Damn you," never caught on as an accepted form of expression.

My point is, "shut-up" was slang for something else, something widely accepted, and slang can be adopted (depending on the culture of your community) to express a more intense level of the original words meaning, but "damn you" is just plain profanity, willfully directed at someone with the intent of condemning their eternal soul to hell.

The older I became, the more I travelled, the more people I met, the more cultures I experienced, the more I came to accept certain slang expressions that as a child I would have been spanked for. While in certain company I'd hear these forbidden utterances used for wonderful descriptive purposes and feel no shame upon hearing them. The culture saw them only as expressions to articulate the point. The company, in a sense, can tend to dictate the vocabulary.

I'm not saying that one should not be principled. Sometimes the chameleon strategy will compromise the integrity of your faith and your convictions. Anything that will jeopardize the integrity of your word is not a good thing. For those who have convictions which inspire separate, monk-like vocabularies, I applaud you. I respect conviction. It falls on different people in different ways at different times, and it is key to not disregard it. However, there are certain words that get lumped in with "swearing" or "profanity" that I feel can take on different meanings based on the cultural context in which they're used. These terms I define as "slang," much like "shut-up." I want to break down the difference between "shut-up" and "damn you." I want to try to understand the difference between profanity and slang.

Slang can be defined as dialect, jargon, or colloquialisms (ie "bling" is accepted slang for jewelry). No definition of slang involves blasphemy or obscenity. Profanity, however, is often defined as blasphemous, obscene, irreverent, etc. Language becomes profane when it is used with irreverence towards God, or as a weapon against our neighbor (who God calls us to love). Because of my convictions, I never want to be viewed as irreverent towards God (especially in the company of those who don't believe in God). Regardless of the company I'm in, I want to be known as somebody who takes seriously the implications of using profanity, especially for someone of my faith. For the purpose of examining this topic I will probably use some language that you (the reader) might deem profane, so you should know that I do not use this language with offensive intent, but rather for "research" purposes.

I know there are plenty of verses in the Bible about speaking kindly and non-offensively, so I hope you read this in the humblest of ways. For the sake of "research" I want to break some of these slang terms down, however, I understand there is a chance I will still offend someone. Let's say for a second you weren't worried about your kids hearing a "bad word," or you weren't afraid of your parents finding out you were reading one, or you weren't concerned with what your friends thought about your spiritual life. Let's say for a second you didn't care about all that extraneous shit. Let's just say you really wanted to develop a healthy non-religious understanding of the English language. You'll notice I just said "shit." I said it instead of "stuff." If this blog wasn't about slang, I probably wouldn't have put it there, because it didn't need to be there to articulate my point. I essentially chose to call your worries "shit" instead of "stuff." You probably felt some emotion when you read it. Maybe you interpreted it as an expression of my intense distaste for worry, or perhaps you just felt shock. I'll admit it was sort of exuberantly shocking to write it. What is "shit" anyways? A harsh word for "poop?" An abrupt term for "stuff"? The two words mean the same thing, it's just that one has a more negative, emotional connotation than the other. Veterans don't talk about being in the "stuff" in Korea, because "stuff" can also have good connotations. The Korean War was worse than "stuff." You can get a bunch of stuff for Christmas, or ship a bunch of supplies and stuff to Haiti for relief. Shit, however, is never positive (unless you're from a culture which lacks descriptive terms for good things and chooses to use "cool as shit" or "you're the shit" as positive expressions). Shit is a bad situation. It's the mess an animal makes at your expense. You never step in "stuff," stinky and oozing all over your car door and floor mats. That isn't stuff, that isn't even poop. Poop is something that babies do, or well behaved doggies on walks with their bag handling masters. Shit is the mess an animal makes, its negative through and through, and a very uniquely descriptive word in my opinion. No other word can properly explain the meaning. You can say that someone is lying, or that they are full of garbage, but nothing will interpret better your distaste for lying when you refer to their lies simply as "bullshit."

I know some of you might be flabbergasted already, and might even be more horrified to know that I'm going to bring the Bible into this topic. I've never really had a filter so here goes... Philippians 3:8 says, 

"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ"

There are a lot of places I could take that verse, but since this is a discussion about language I'll stick to the topic at hand. Paul uses the word "rubbish." Some translations use "dung." In original Greek the word used is skuvbalon. Skuvbalon is used very rarely in popular Greek text and used only in context with emotionally charged topics, usually when the author wishes to invoke revulsion in his audience. In other words, its a harsh, revolting term for animal excrement, used to disgust the reader. It's slang. Rubbish and dung are words that do not shock or disgust me, however, if the word was interpreted to "bullshit," it would probably be a more accurate translation from the Greek. It's probably closer to what Paul was so adamantly expressing. Rubbish at some point might have meant something terribly revolting in English, maybe dung too... but now they sound like something a British Lord would say after losing money on a horse race. They just can't translate fully the meaning of skuvbalon. Of course, we get the idea of the passage, and I'm not debating the accuracy of the translation... I'm merely saying the original word that Paul used had more revolting and shocking connotations than the "proper English" translation.

Of course, there are certain cultural norms that one must follow. You cannot go around offending people and expect them to respect you and listen to your convictions. You probably shouldn't try using slang with grandma, or at your church, because chances are those folks have pretty strict guidelines against the use of such words. Paul also says, 

"Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." (Colossians 4:3) 

So one should never try to be offensive. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't have a stroke every time you hear a slang term in a descriptive context. The motives are rarely defiant... it's usually just cultural differences.

I remember my dad used to pick up a group of kids from the projects and take them to Sunday school. Sometimes I would ride along in the front seat of our Pontiac station wagon as we went to pick these kids up. One day as we exited the station wagon at the church, one of the kids stepped in dog poop. "He stepped in crap!" another kid yelled, and they all started laughing, "Awwww gross! Crap man! It's crap!" I was horrified. "Crap" was a word you could get the belt for in my house. I remember watching my dad, expecting him to get really angry with these kids. He did nothing, in fact, he laughed a little and told the kid to wipe it off before he went inside.

Culturally we used different language, and my dad understood that. He wasn't shocked by it, although if it came out of my mouth it'd be more than a "talking-to" I'd get. We were expected to speak differently in our family and church. Our cultural standard for slang was different, but it didn't make theirs wrong.

So there you have it, my two cents on the functionality of slang, when used in proper context and company I have no problem with it. Now let me tell you how this applies to my current life.

The Classic Crime is a band that tries to play for everyone. We pride ourselves in having a diverse audience of people from all walks of life. Music is a universal language after all, and we never want to form some exclusive, singular sub-culture with our fan-base. We try to attract all cultures. However, sometimes those different cultures clash. Some fans, when commenting on our Facebook or Myspace pages, will say "You guys are fucking awesome!" Sometimes other, more conservative fans will chastise them for their use of "loose language." I feel like the more conservative fans can tend miss the point. The point is that this person thinks we're great. They think we're so great, they're using an extreme word to express it. Perhaps they do not share the same faith, convictions, or doctrine, and perhaps the term "fucking awesome" is used quite frequently in their homes as an expression that is used to refer to something as "extremely good." We don't know, but what we do know is that they aren't saying, "You guys fucking suck!" Which can then be interpreted as profanity because the language is being used as a weapon, or an extreme expression of hatred against us. This, in no culture, can be justified as a useful thing (even though we try to accept those profane criticisms with love as well).

I always read the comments like, "You guys are fucking awesome!" with a clean conscience. Not only that, but I love that those types of people are listening to our music. The words that hurt me are the words that ignorantly and profanely involve God in some way. No matter where I am or who I'm with those words are like nails on a chalkboard. The people who say them never bother me, really, because usually they're folks who have no idea what they are talking about, but their words can tend to make me wince. I believe that God loves us incredibly, so it hurts when someone He loves chooses to use His name as a description for something negative or an attack on their neighbor. This is where words can clash with my convictions. Slang rarely convicts me (and only when used out of context), but profanity always feels icky, in any context. To me, anyways.

Congratulations for making it this far. I hope this post was informative for you, or at least a peek into my "worldly" perspective. The circles I run in aren't the most refined, but I think sometimes refinement is over-rated and holds no "big picture" value. I like to keep company with people who have honest convictions, love without excuses and say what they really feel. With that sentiment in mind, I'll finish this blog.

I love you all!

Matt