Role-Playing and Creativity

OK. Bare with me, it's been awhile. Shaking some rust off... so here goes...

I'm comfortable playing the rebel. That's my role. I'm often a motivated, vocal contrarian to popular opinions. I don't mind speaking up. I don't take anything at face value... I figure out where I stand for myself, and once I have I won't hesitate to explain why. I'm blunt and honest and even though I'm highly sensitive to what others are feeling, I still struggle with being tender.

I was born and raised in the middle of a big family. When I was younger I acted out. I don't know exactly why (I had a decent upbringing), but I was a bit of a problem child. I always seemed to get in fights at school, and I was a magnet for bullies. I was always in conflict with some student or teacher or principal. In elementary school, I spent many hours in the principals office (She used to stare at me for minutes without blinking, like a psychopath. It wasn't helpful). Every Thursday in fifth grade I had to spend one period with the school counselor to talk about how life is a road and there are "speed bumps" in it. I remember feeling like a victim, like nobody understood that I was actually the good guy. I didn't feel like I could trust the "establishment" to understand me. Maybe I acted out for attention. Maybe I didn't get enough at home, in a big family, where others needs were prioritized over mine. What I did back then could have been easily labeled by any decent child psychologist... but I'm still that kid. Even without those subconscious desires to get attention (Part of me loathes direct attention, just please say nice things behind my back), I still thrive on being counter-culture. I have been trained to be comfortable doing what the rest don't. I am playing a role.

Much of us get caught up in Role-Playing. I might've been the Black Sheep, but you might be the Nerd, Bully, Jock, Skater, Hipster, Goofball, Good Girl, Scapegoat, Slut, Stoner, whatever... maybe my terms are out of date, but you get what I'm saying. 

The thing about playing a role is that it perpetuates it's own existence. The more you "nerd it up" in the library, the more you desire to be a super nerd. The more you play sports on a team, the more you want to be team captain. The more gold stars you get for being good, the more you want to be the valedictorian. The more I got in trouble, the more I got in trouble. You're partially motivated by peer-coach-teacher-validation of your role, but you're also motivated simply because people see you as that role, and your world seems to make sense when you act according to how they see you.

The roles in families are the hardest roles to break. You might think you're an adult, and then you go home for Christmas and realize you're acting like a 15-year-old, and the same things that annoyed you about your family twenty years ago still do. The thing is, everyone HAS changed, hang out with them one on one and you'll see that, but you get that family culture back together and people start reverting to their old roles. We can't help it, we've been primed our whole lives to act in that role, it's a hard one to shake (i.e. parents trying to parent their adult children).

I think I lucked out in High School because my role was more of an attitude role than a cultural role. It didn't dictate what group I spent my time with. I hung with the nerds in the library, I collected comic books and played online games, I also was a state athlete, voted "most artistic" and I was in advanced science and english classes. What's hilarious is I was even selected and trained to be a "Peer Mediator." I prided myself in not caring while still performing. I was arrogant, but it didn't end up working out (See blog post "One Small Story of Regret").

So there was something positive about my role. It allowed me to get some different experiences, to be a bit of a chameleon and, because of my competitive nature, try to excel and a number of things. I think my role might have been good for me.

The problem of roles is that they are pervasive and hard to escape. The question is, "Can Role-Playing be used for good?"

Scientists for years have done studies on "priming," and things like it, to conclude that how you see yourself greatly effects your overall performance. It is apparently true that if you embrace a role, you will become better suited for it... that it's not all the subconscious at work. When you are intentional about being something, you are more likely to be it (by a huge percentage), than those who simply fall into it.

We tend to think of roles as strict boundaries. We say things like "not everyone" and "I can't" because it's more comfortable to believe that we are limited to our roles.  Seth Godin argues that everyone is a creator and has the ability to create something. He talks about the idea of generosity, and that anytime you create something with some level of generosity, you are an artist. That means when you do work that matters, that is brave and generous and helpful to society, you are creating art. Your work is unique to anyone else's. It's the alternative to being a cog in the machine, which is fine if you are fine with it, but Godin gives permission to all people unsatisfied with their roles to awaken their inner artist and create something beautiful. He tells people who desire MORE to be intentional about BEING an artist, to embrace their roles and get rid of those excuses and comparisons. 

Godin has inspired millions with his books, because people have realized that the idea of viewing themselves as purveyors of "more" has helped them create more and do more, resulting in more good for more people and a better, more fulfilling life for themselves. Positive thinking FTW.

For the last decade or so, I've played the vocational role of artist (or musician, or songwriter), or whatever you want to call it. But I haven't always embraced it. I kind of fell into it, and I'd say for the first half of my twenties I was confused about how to BE it. I think my motivations were off... because I had a lot of jealousy and pride and bitterness about the way things were going. I was also trying to play the role of Rock Star or Tortured Musician or Cool Guy with an exceptional lifestyle. Now, at almost thirty years of age, I think I've settled down a bit. I'm a Husband, I'm a Dad, I'm a Provider, I'm a Small Business Owner, but very intentionally, I'm a Creator...

This tends to flow well with my view of life in general. I mean, I believe we were all created with some basic characteristics of our Creator. We have the ability, unlike the other animals, to create much like our Creator does. We can build boats and roads and cities and cars and make music and art and architecture and love. We are mini-creators.

When I embrace the role of Creator, that role given to me by my Creator, I suddenly and without question become more creative. There is also responsibility that comes with it. It requires doing the work. Embracing any role requires action to be proven. I have to sit in my basement and make cohesive sounding noises for hours on end... that's what is required of my role, the role I choose to play. My previous role as Rebel or my future role as Old Guy matter very little when I embrace the role I want to play. I'm kind of sad I wasted time on those false-rolls in my early twenties, the one's that lacked generosity and were self-absorbed (mostly, Cool Guy).

I have not yet arrived, and the more I learn, the more I realize how behind I am. I wish I'd been more diligent in my youth. My Rebel-role made me waste so much time, but perhaps it was all needed to get me to this point. 

So, if you feel restless and unfulfilled and you're one of those folks who can take good advice to heart (i.e. NOT like me), then ask yourself this cliche-yet-important question: Will you be brave and generous and intentionally embrace your Creator role?

Breaking the Silence

It has been a long time and I have a thousand excuses. I thought that after we'd had a baby I would write a whole slew of inspired posts about the miracle of life and the mind-blowing, earth-shattering experience it is to embark on the noble cause of raising a piece of yourself. Turns out the idea of putting those experiences into words did something to cheapen them in my mind (but apparently, Instagram doesnt?). I couldn't find the words or the desire to write them down... I also couldn't find the time.

Our "family dynamic" has changed dramatically. Before Praise (our baby) was born, Kristie would go to work during the week, leaving me alone, with my thoughts, for eight hours a day. This environment was highly conducive to blogging. I would wake up, sit down, and write. I've never considered myself a writer, but writing this blog had become therapeutic for me. I had the time and the freedom to write, and so I did.

Things have changed. I have taken over the duties as financial provider and Kristie is heading up home base, which makes my days look different. I wake up, get coffee, and head to the basement, where my office/studio/man-cave is, and I try to prioritize my duties. Occasionally, I can hear Praise and Kristie talking upstairs... it's like a constant reminder of who and what I am responsible for. If I break for lunch, and if I have to be done before dinner (family time has become more important this past year) then that gives me around 6 solid hours of actual work-time. The idea of spending a third of that time writing a blog which doesn't help to pay any bills somehow feels gratuitous.

So I've regressed to micro-blogging, or tweeting, whenever I feel like I have something to say that I would originally have blogged about. This is silly, really, because Twitter is not a forum where topics can be debated or fleshed out in any meaningful manner, unless you're posting links to blogs or essays on the topics being discussed. There is no real context in a one or two-sentence tweet, which means it's almost always going to be taken out of it's desired context. Not good. I need to work on curtailing my contributions to the twitter-sphere... 

Overall, we feel blessed. We didn't know what this parenting thing would look like because to be honest, I'd never made any real money doing the music thing. A year ago I was ten hours away from taking my Real Estate exam and becoming a licensed agent, but then things miraculously started to happen. Doors opened, opportunities flooded in, and I found myself inspired and energetically pursuing music again, but this time it was actually paying bills. I've learned a lot about that. I've learned that I have to make music, that I have to write and produce and create, and that if I do those things, I have a good chance of making our rent payment on a monthly basis. Nobody is setting goals for me, or tasks in front of me, nobody is requiring me to earn a paycheck in any form. It comes down to me being diligent in the tasks God has provided me, which is far more vague and murky and difficult to navigate... but I've learned that when I trudge on through those grinding days of purposelessness, when I actually get the work done, my family is taken care of. Hindsight is everything, and it's taught me each time as I'm walking through something as vague as record-making, "Remember last time when you felt this way? Remember how that turned out?"

So onward I trudge. This time to a new Vocal Few EP. Hoping and praying that I get to do this for the rest of my life and that I don't have to become a Real Estate agent to feed my family. Music is far more profound a medium than land and structures, and even if songs don't sell like they used to (and people would rather spend $4 on a coffee than $1 on a song), I'd rather sell you a song for a dollar than a home for ten thousand of them in commission. It just feels more right.

Journal Update: Recording

Sorry for the lack of updates. I've had work to do while I've had work to do, so that's made me too busy to sit around and be all reflective and type things. It's odd how your perspective of time changes as you get older. I can blink now and a month is gone.


I'm editing vocals. My vocals. It's tedious to say the least, because there is no greater critic of my voice than me. This will be the sixth record I've produced, not counting those garbage Orizon demos from 2003, but it will also be the biggest record I've produced. TCC has an incredible production standard to live up to, and I'm doing my level best to meet it. We started recording this record in January, and it is now April... this is the longest I've ever had to sit on a collection of songs in the recording process. I like this part of it. I have time to dream about what the songs are missing and to try to make them whole.


I'm heading off to Orlando this Saturday to mix the record with an old friend (producer of Albatross, The Silver Cord, and Vagabonds). With the success of our Kickstarter campaign there is even more pressure to make this album good. Having Elvis involved in the project takes a huge weight of my shoulders, as I trust him to always sort out my madness in the most insightful and inspiring ways. 


If you've supported our Kickstarter, you're part of the reason why we can afford a great person like Elvis to mix it. Your dollars are actually going to make our record sound better... it's sort of poetic, and it feels only right. The quality of our art is tied to the quality of our supporters, who happen to be the best quality supporters in the world. So, for the opportunity to make our songs better, I'd like to say THANK YOU.


Can't wait to finish and release these songs!


With love and gratitude,


Matt

Enough

Not enough people tell me my music is good.

Oh, plenty of people say my music means the world to them, but it's never enough. When it's MY music, MY art, MY ego, MY insecurities, MY thirst for peer recognition, respect, and honor, I am never fulfilled and it is never enough.

I was in Minneapolis on the 2007 Tooth and Nail Tour. After the show I went to the merch booth to meet people. I was stopped by one of those really charismatic, on-fire Christians who always seem to be getting "words" for people. Just my luck, he had a word for me, and although I'm naturally a skeptic I agreed to let him pray for me. Couldn't hurt right? He put his big hands around my head like he was about to head-butt me and started praying in tongues (which always creeps me out), while onlookers waited patiently with their unsigned TCC posters in hand. Then he started praying in English, which made me feel a little better about the situation. Turns out he was saying some pretty good stuff.

Afterwords, he looked me straight in the eyes, my head still in his hands, and said, "You are enough because He is enough." I nodded nervously and he said it again, staring more intently, "You are enough because He is enough." 

That echoed in my mind for a long time. Five years later, the "word" he had for me still hits me out of nowhere... I am enough because He is enough.

It's not about me, and when I occasionally remember that I suddenly lose interest in people telling me I'm good. 

I understand that the art I make isn't from me, it flows through me, from somewhere else to somewhere else. I sit down to do the work, but I barely understand how inspiration works let alone the true meaning and influence of any song I've written. I am blessed to enjoy it, and that is enough for me.

It's like having a baby. Sure, it grew in you and then came out of you, but you didn't consciously make it. The child is unique and the miracle of human life is... a miracle. All you did was have sex. All you did was experience a few minutes of pleasure and a miracle happened. Every parent knows they can't take credit for the miracle that is their child.

That's how I feel about songs, especially the ones that end up meaning something to a lot of people. They feel good to write, and the lyrics and concept usually materialize in ten minutes or less. They are things that occur to me, not things I manufacture. I don't write them, they write me. 

If you love my songs and think I'm wise because I write them, then getting to know me in real life would probably disappoint you. I'm messy and inconsistent and foolish and sarcastic and immature. I would encourage you to not seek fulfillment in people, because people will always disappoint you.

For a few minutes a year I am honored with the burden of being a broken tool in the hand of a perfect God whose apparent goal it is to bring some tiny portion of goodness into the world. I couldn't tell you why, and it could all stop tomorrow, but I can tell you that I didn't do anything to deserve it.

It does me no good to seek out credit. Because it isn't rightfully mine, no amount of credit will fulfill me. I am enough because He is enough. I have enough because He gives me enough. I am good because He is good, and I am useless when He doesn't show up.

Nothing this world can offer me will ever be enough.

I am enough because He is enough.

Pride, Fame and Fakers

Fame is a drug.


When my band was signed to Tooth and Nail Records back in 2005, a lot of people were 'blowing smoke,' as they say. Out of the blue a lot of people started saying we were good and we should expect a certain type of treatment. We had been strictly DIY up until that point, struggling for every pinch of recognition we could find, so it felt good to finally hear people saying things like, "You shouldn't have to worry about that, let me handle it for you." We were spoiled with great tours and interest and the ever fleeting buzz of youthful hope.


Let me preface this by saying that what TCC experienced was very much a fraction of what many other people have experienced. We never blew up, we never got rich, we don't own homes, those dreams didn't happen. I'm just writing to share about what even a small dose of fame can do to you. I have gained some new perspective being a few years removed from things like... well, Warped Tour. Fame is a helluva drug, all you need is a taste and you can start acting like a total jerk.


I rarely admit this, but it kind of went to my head. It kind of ruined me for a season. When a lot of people tell you you're great and talented and the offers are flying in and the kids are really excited that you just walked by, you start to think that you're pretty special. Suddenly smaller bands want to be your friend, old friends you used to know start calling you up to "see how you're doing." People want a piece of it. They either want you to help them or they want to be able to tell people they know you. Knowing you has become a bit of a status symbol, and that type of flattery is like cancer to the soul.


The ironic thing about all of this is that almost nobody is born famous. Most people spend years on the other side of the fence, looking longingly past the photographers at those who we assume are happy and somehow more special than the rest of us. It's so weird that you can be normal and nice in one moment, and in the next become immovably selfish, but that's what pride and flattery will do to the best of them. When you take a step back, celebrity is really a stupid thing. You can be famous for anything these days, it really doesn't take much more than a willingness to embarrass yourself on camera. Celebrity is a freak show.


But back to my point, we all start out wishing we were a Somebody, all the while the people who are Somebody's are oblivious to us, perhaps even sometimes blatantly ignoring us. Then suddenly, a group of people turn around and look at you and say, "You're a Somebody!" And they toss you over the fence. Now you're on this red carpet but you don't really fit in on either side of the fence. You look around and there are people more famous than you, but to most spectators there isn't much delineation between the Somebody's, you're one of them. You know you don't really belong, but you've had your taste and you're hooked so you fake it. Your old nature of envying the Somebody's has been magnified, so you naturally start looking around to break the inner circles of the people more successful than you. You isolate from those who can't help you and attempt to infiltrate the lives of those who can. This is the bad part of human nature.


It gets manifested in the little things. There is no instant reward for someone with any fame to respond to someone of lesser fame (I've never met a Somebody who could delay gratification). This results in a disconnect. Text messages, emails, phone calls, etc, get ignored. You naturally isolate from the nobody's in order to integrate more with the Somebody's.


For awhile there I acted like I didn't have time for people. Part of the reason was we were touring a lot, and anyone not in front of me seemed like a distraction. Much of who I am can be summed up by the phrase "Out of sight, out of mind." If I can't sense you I have a hard time recognizing your existence. It's a blessing and a curse.


The other excuse is probably more selfish. You see, people used to ignore me. People who were Somebody's when I was a nobody, they would never get back to me, probably banking on the made up justification that the "Somebody Lifestyle" had kept them busy and the message had been lost in the madness.That whole justification is such a lie. Somebody's are glued to their phones all day long. They read every message. They're all painfully insecure so they have to. They ignore the ones that don't help them and respond to the ones that do. 


That's the fame drug. You get a little taste and then you want more. But to what end? You can never get enough of it. Even at the top you never feel like you're at the top. I'll bet Bono probably wants to be closer friends with Mick Jagger or Bill Gates, and he probably gets all defensive when they don't return his calls.


My point is, I passed on that same initiation. It's like those stories of pep band hazing that gets out of hand. Upper-class-men do some terrible things to freshmen, because those same terrible things were done to them. It's the whole "Hurt people hurt people" thing. I had no problem neglecting anybody that couldn't help me because the same had been done to me and it seemed like a rite of passage. I was faking like I was more important/busy than I was.


It all boils down to pride, fame, and faking it. We're all susceptible to be addicted to fame because of our own selfish pride, so we can tend to fake like we're more important than we are. Here's the truth: I'm no more important than you. We are of equal value. I am just as special as you are. Believe it.


I've come full circle on this fame thing. I no longer envy the Somebody's. They can have their popularity contest without me. I've climbed back over the fence and I'm walking the opposite direction, and maybe I'll start an egalitarian hippy colony on the outskirts of town. Wanna join?

God and Laws

I hate American politics, but I think about them a lot. I just noticed that I have two blog posts related to politics that are unpublished. I think this is because politics are so petty and polarizing and do little to stimulate the type of thought and discussion that bares good fruit, so I'll write something I might feel is important, read it, realize it will only breed friction, and then file it away. 

However, this topic really intrigues me, and since it's more of a spiritual approach I'm hoping when I finish I'll have the inclination to hit "Publish Post."

Where is God in politics? How do you reconcile what you believe with any form of political activism? What would Jesus do?

I was sitting around with a group of friends last week and we asked ourselves these questions. 

One of my friends was hurt by how people have used politics to take Christian prayer out of schools, and also lobbied to ban the Ten Commandments from display on public property. She was sad that teachers could no longer teach Christian history, and she wondered what would come of all this. She was sincere. She only wished that kids would have the opportunity to learn about the love of Jesus. 

Some of my other friends spoke up about how Christianity is portrayed in politics. They didn't like the right-wing pundits who claimed Christianity. They seemed fake. We all agreed that we didn't like Christians being defined by being anti-gay and anti-abortion or pro-war. We agreed that Christians should stand for justice and peace, not persecution of any group, that we should never challenge or demean our enemies, we should love them. (Matthew 5:9, Psalm 82:3, Matthew 5:44, Luke 10:25-37).

So how do we do all that? How do we cultivate those ideals within our current political system, and in the face of such polarization?

This was a tough question. I think our natural reaction is to fight laws that seem to us as "Anti-Christian." We tend to (out of sincere concern) gravitate towards the idea that America will be damned if there isn't Bible reading in schools, prayer in Congress, and God in the Pledge of Allegiance. We're taught that our country is drifting farther and farther from the beliefs on which is was founded. The idea has been propagated that we used to be a Christian nation, but now we're drifting from the good graces of God. We're told by some that we're heading down the wrong path to destruction, and we must get politically active in order to turn our course back to God.

I have to tell you, I don't believe any of this. When was America a Christ-like nation? When we stole land from the Natives? Slaughtered men, women and children in cold blood? Used slavery and persecution to build our country? How about as early as the 1960's when racism was political POLICY (For more on this, read THIS book). Sure, our forefathers wrote God on things, but did that automatically make them Godly? And furthermore, does it even matter outside of perpetuating a political agenda that's impetus is millions in donations?

Let's go back to what started this whole America thing.

 

To sum it up, Puritans were facing persecution from the Catholic majority. Terrible things were happening. So they left to take religious refuge in the New World. To read more on Religious persecution that helped found America go here. 

When we read history, time and time again we learn this simple equation: Religion + Power = Persecution. Our forefathers knew this, that is why they believed very strongly in the separation of Church and State. You don't have to be persecuted to know this, you can just read about crusaders slaughtering "heathens" or conquistadors "converting" savages at sword-point. Power corrupts, it wants to control. Power wants to be God and to judge what is good and what isn't (Luke 6:37, Matthew 7:1-5).

There are people in this country who, in the face of such obvious truth to the contrary, would want history to repeat itself. Some people actually want a Christian majority so that they can legally ban homosexuality or whatever is maddening them this week. They literally want power in order to persecute people. That is scary. It's also anti-Jesus, which is even more scary considering the implications of who else might be behind this movement.

As far as Christians being more and more of a political minority, I'm in favor of it. True Christianity flourishes through extreme persecution.

Why are we so afraid of persecution? Do Christians forget how this whole thing started? After Jesus left Christians were being hunted from house to house, thrown in prison, beaten and stoned to death, hung, filleted alive by knives, burned to the stake, crucified, and their numbers dramatically INCREASED! You see the same thing happening in China over the last fifty years. If you ask me, I say go ahead and ban Christianity. At least then we'll know who the real ones are. I am not afraid of persecution, I welcome it. It'll separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak. This whole thing about fighting for a "Christian Political Majority" flies totally in the face of what Jesus established with the early church.

Think about it. Jesus said He came as a "humble servant," to "Seek and to save that which was lost." He said things like "the last shall be first" and "blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth." How can you reconcile these words of Jesus with grasping for political power?: 

Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all." - Mark 9:35

The truth is, you can't.

Changing laws to coincide with morals doesn't change hearts, it only allows for persecution, violence, and hate. Unless of course they're changed for freedom or justice.

I think the place for Christianity in politics is not on the "moral-crusading" end, but on the justice end. Christian organizations like the International Justice Mission use global laws to free the persecuted and seek punishment for their captors. It's amazing the good that can come from people who take this verse literally:

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. - James 1:27

How can anyone fight that?

Instead of Christianity being defined by the right-wing, anti-whatever vitriol, it'd be nice to have it be defined as loving, justice-seeking, poor-serving, and actually Jesus-following.

Those are just my thoughts on the matter.

For more on what Jesus thought about the Religious Political Majority in His day, read Matthew 23.

Parents Keep Each Other Sane

This is an iPhone note from 42 days ago. I was laying in bed, and I recorded this conversation with my other wife, Sleep Kristie:

She chuckles, mouth and eyes closed, lips smiling.

"What's so funny?" I ask, grinning as I roll over to look at her, suddenly excited at the opportunity to hear from Sleep Kristie.

"I remember..." She squints her eyes and rolls onto her back, putting her finger in the air. I can tell she's trying to remember her dream, which she usually has trouble with at this point...

"Remember what?"

"'Cause parents..." She pauses, finger still pointed at the ceiling, eyes still closed, concentrating... 

"...Keep each other sane..."

She seems satisfied with that, so she rolls into me with eyes still closed and nestles into the blankets.

"Parents keep each other sane," She mutters, "Then the baby. The baby second."

I'm laughing at this point, but trying not to make noise as I grab my phone and write all this down. 

Five minutes pass. She chuckles again.

"What's so funny now?" I can't believe I'm getting all this good material in one night.

"I guess so. Hm Hm Hmm Hmm Hmmm Hmmm." She's smiling and chuckling again.

"You guess what? What's funny?"

She sniffs.

"Being a parent."