My Word Is My Bondage

I have trouble making commitments. Not because I don't follow through, but because I do. Integrity is important to me, maybe the most important characteristic I look for, so I stake much of my self-worth on my ability to keep my word. When I'm going to do something I generally do it, and my friends never question whether or not it will get done. I'm obviously human, and I've obviously failed, but for the most part the commitments I accept and declare are the ones I follow through on (I "lead with the tongue" a lot). 


Being true to my word has also taught me to say "No" quite frequently and with ease. I get asked to do a lot of things and make a lot of commitments, and instead of ignoring every inquiry I'll usually politely decline. Sometimes it's hard to say "No," because the persons motives are pure and they're just following their own convictions to request something from you, but the more I say it the easier it is. The point is I have to say "No" otherwise I'd drive myself crazy keeping hundreds of commitments. For some people, telling someone "No" is like slapping them in the face so they avoid ever having to do so. Instead they'll tell them "Yes" or "Maybe" and then let the outcome of their actions say "No." I don't maintain friendships with these types of people. Not because I have any spite for them personally, it's just that I can't trust them as friends... and trust is key in any relationship.


Sometimes I'll get on a roll. I'll decline every incoming commitment before I can even process it because I have this fear of being enslaved. I want to be free, even it's to do nothing. It's daunting to have to do something you don't want to do just because you said you would. I run from commitment. I've been stretched too thin before and I don't like the feeling, so I constantly avoid signing up for anything extra.


For whatever reason though, anytime I fulfill a commitment to someone else it feels like it was all worthwhile. When I keep my word it feels good, regardless of how boring, difficult or annoying it was, but even still I have trouble committing. I'll often say I'm busy when I'm not, and my excuse is that "If I'm out doing things I won't be home when inspiration strikes." I sit around waiting for songs to come, and that's what I call "busy." I know, typical musician right? "Busy" is tinkering on the guitar during T.V. commercials (You'd be surprised at how many songs came about that way.) 


In recent years I've found that my "fear of slavery" is waning. I think when I was younger I longed for the freedom of my teens and early twenties. We had no pressing obligations back then and we were free to just hang out, planning only leisurely activities and semi-committing to them. We were free to be impulsive, to just pick up and leave for a weekend if we wanted to. I think for a good while there I wanted that again. When we were first married Kristie would schedule commitments months in advance, things we were obligated to do, and I would have waves of anxiety about my life being planned for me... like my freedoms were being infringed upon. I longed for the freedom to simply do nothing again. Now I see it as immaturity, but back then it was a real fear of mine. What if I want to do something else last minute? What if I don't want to go? Nobody asked me! These are typical issues that newlywed men learn to overcome. Nowadays I don't feel like any commitment I fulfill with my wife is a tedious one, and it's usually a lot of fun. Better than the weekend on the couch I had planned for myself anyways. I had to learn that one the stubborn, lonely way. The truth is she's made me more of a planner, and I've made her much more impulsive than she used to be. We've rubbed off on each other in a positive way, so neither of us are as extreme as we once were.


I didn't always keep my word. I used to lie a lot because I could get away with it most of the time. I remember when the switch clicked on for me. In my teens I could talk my way out of anything, or so I thought, but Kristie would always know I was lying. I would do the wrong thing and ignorantly think that she wouldn't find out, and that I was a good enough talker to weasel my way out of trouble. I was wrong (See blog post "Honesty Breeds Integrity" for the whole story). I realized that my lack of integrity and my dishonesty was hurting my relationship with her, so I just decided to be honest with everything and to keep my promises to her. Also around this time, my buddy Big Dan and I would have contests to decide who was more stubborn by seeing who could keep their word longer (His heritage was Irish and mine was Scottish, so we felt like we had to prove which was better). We would make commitments together and see who went the longest with or without certain things. I think because of that competitive word-keeping we respected each other more than some of our other friends. 


I started to realize then that the level of integrity you maintain for yourself is directly proportionate to the level of respect people have for you. It's not just what you portray to people either, because they'll know if you're a phony, it's about keeping your word to yourself even when people aren't around. It grows a sense of confidence and healthy respect for yourself when you do this, and I think people can tell when someone is a liar or not. Maybe not right away, but it comes out eventually. 


In Matthew 5:37 Jesus talks about swearing oaths and says "Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’..." He's right, it's just more simple when people do what they say. Forget promises and oaths, just let your word be your bond. But don't be in bondage because you can't say "no," and don't lie by saying "yes," say them both and mean them both. It's a simple philosophy that makes life more rewarding.